Today is my 40th birthday.

To celebrate, here are 40 ways to know when a desire is genuinely yours (as opposed to something you’ve talked yourself into or merely think you want).

Why am I writing this list?

Because I want to!

Buckle up. Here we go:

  1. The things you REALLY want feel like a kind of gentle nudge that show up in your quietest moments (in the shower, going for a walk, sitting on the bog) rather than in your loudest, busiest moments
  2. That nudge is still there in the louder moments too though, kind of like a flute at a house party. The music is playing but it might be harder to tune in
  3. If your ears are ringing with everyone else’s playlist for life, turn down the volume and you’ll find your background music is ready & waiting for you
  4. You could describe this background music as a “strange pull”. In the words of Rumi, “let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray”
  5. Having said that, the more you ignore this pull, the louder it gets
  6. The Father of Motivation Wayne Dyer described it thus: “The attempt to get your attention may take the form of an ulcer, or being fired from a stifling job, or being brought to your knees with an accident” i.e. your authentic wants are trying to FIND YOU
  7. It might not be that dramatic though. Sometimes the sign is that you don’t lose interest, even if you can’t act on it right away. Here are a few more:
  8. Authentic wants make you gasp, grin or giggle (in the words of Michael Neill)
  9. You could say they “light you up”. That’s a nice way of putting it too
  10. They feel like you’re moving “warmer” in a lifelong game of “warmer/colder”
  11. They come with a full stop attached (a “period” for all my readers across the pond). Inauthentic desire comes with lots of commas instead
  12. Another way of saying this is that authentic wants are clear, obvious and self-contained
  13. So it’s not about the outcome. It’s about the act
  14. Which means the want exists purely for its own sake
  15. You could even say it IS the end rather than a means to an end
  16. As Maya Angelou put it: "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song"
  17. That means whenever you get asked “but WHY do you want to do that”, you probably won’t have a great answer. You might not have an answer at all!
  18. But it doesn’t matter. In fact, you still want your want even if no-one else knows you want it
  19. You’re certainly not wanting it to impress anyone
  20. Nor are you trying to prove your worth
  21. Thoreau said it like this: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away"
  22. So a want is authentic when it’s personal and unique to you
  23. i.e. it’s not something your parents, partner, boss or mentor have suggested. Of course, it could be. But only as a coincidence and not as the driver of that desire
  24. So the want doesn’t start with “I should”…
  25. …or “I must”…
  26. …or “I ought to”
  27. Nor is an authentic want a “good use of your time”…
  28. …or “the smart thing to do”…
  29. …or the “sensible thing to do”…
  30. …or a way to overcome FOMO
  31. Authentic wants don't come from your memory or your past either. They're fresh, not recycled
  32. And for the love of Microsoft Excel, authentic wants categorically DON’T come from a spreadsheet, a financial model, a pros & cons list or any other framework, template or tool
  33. In fact, authentic wants often appear from nowhere when you stop trying to figure out what you want
  34. So they often don't feel like they come from YOU at all
  35. Instead, your authentic wants might feel like they’re connecting to something much larger than you...
  36. ...almost like a bird flying north for summer. The bird isn’t consulting a map or a five year plan. It just knows what it’s meant to do
  37. It might even have a feeling of aliveness, fizziness and quiet excitement
  38. And with that comes a feeling of “what if”, “ooooh, I could try this” or even “let’s play!”
  39. Whatever the case, genuine wants don’t have a bunch of reasons attached. They have energy attached instead
  40. Michael Neill goes one step further when he says “The amount of reasons you have for doing something is inversely proportional to how much you want to do it.”

I think that’s a nice way to wrap up this list.

So what do I want?

Two things, as it happens.

First:

To celebrate my birthday this evening with Lauren, an M&S chicken & mushroom pie, a tasty bottle of Chilean red and a board game session. All while Baby Grundy snoozes away soundly in her cot.

And the second?

I want to know which line struck a chord. Which line had the biggest ring of truth for you.

If you want to, hit reply and let me know.

That’s it for today.

To fulfilment,

Tom